In a family of twelve, I am the youngest born in Ipoh, Malaysia. While my father is from Punjab, my mother is a Malaysian Catholic Eurasian. Because of his love for my mother, my father allowed his children to remain Catholics and follow Christ. I visited gurudwaras, churches, and hindu temples throughout my childhood. Despite the fact that we were poor, I was a really happy and a cheerful child. I’ve frequently felt hungry despite having nothing to eat.
I loved to spend time with my family, for I was and am very close to them. Since I was nine years old, I have experienced numerous miraculous encounters with the Lord. At the age of twelve, I experienced the Lord’s audible voice. When I was 18 years old in 1989, I experienced the Holy Spirit’s power as a powerful wind that flooded the space where I was sitting. At the time, I was completely ignorant about the Holy Spirit.
What then transpired? I made new friends in college and fell in love with a classmate. Despite the fact that I had such wonderful encounters with Jesus when I was younger, this relationship led me away from God. I lost my first love; Jesus. I started questioning my choices, but it was clear that there was something else that was mysteriously lacking from my life. I felt more alone and sadder then ever and I almost abandoned God. After ten years of being together, this relationship ended, and at the age of 28, I experienced acute depression.
Many times I would cry out to God to end my life and I was suicidal but I guess he had other plans. My soul screamed at God. I was prepared to face the consequences. I wanted a breakthrough and to be set free. I have been tempted to turn away from him in my pain, wondered, why a good God would let His children suffer.
I believe that my tantrum was exactly the moment God had been waiting for. When I was finally done trying to fix everything and done trying to make sense of the mess, in that moment, as I screamed at the heavens, I was finally ready to lay that burden down where it belonged… at the foot of the cross. Slowly my life began to change for the better though I was still suffering from depression.
At the age of 32, I eventually met a beautiful individual, and we later got married. My husband supported me as I recovered from my depression, and when I was ready, I prayed to God for a child. My life changed when I became a mother at the age of 38. I yearned to be alive once more for the benefit of this child.
I believe this is one reason God allows suffering. Sometimes the only way to get us to stop and take a good look at ourselves is to allow some hard things to come into our lives. Our Father in Heaven does not do this to make us feel bad about ourselves. He does this because He knows that in order for us to continue to grow spiritually, we need to repent and let go of sins that threaten to hold us back.
After coming back to the Lord my life changed drastically. I understood that my identity and my happiness come only from Him. Now I have a deep hope in myself that I never had before. My character changed as well. I am slowly becoming much more peaceful and much more of a caring person then I used to be. And definitely I’m increasingly becoming more and more of a happy person. I’m trying to honor people around me more and more.
Recently, when I was bleeding so badly that I needed a blood transfusion, the Lord healed me. I cried out to Him just like the woman who had a blood issue and sensed His presence again.
In my experience, living with Christ and for Christ is not perfect and not easy. The fact that I gave my life to Christ doesn’t mean that I suddenly stopped hitting walls or seeing obstacles in my way. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight with sin anymore because I do.
But now I know that in every situation no matter how hard, God is the Lord of it. I know I don’t fight the sin alone because I know that God is fighting for me and is my ever-present help in the time of trouble.
I still can’t believe the transaction that God had with me. For my heart of stone, He gave me a heart of flesh that can love Him and accept the free gift of salvation that Jesus Christ brings. Jesus has forgiven the things I did wrong, and has given me a fresh new start.
I want to live my life serving the Lord, and I’ll wait patiently for Him to continue breaking and moulding me. Only the Lord knows when I will be ready to be used as an instrument for His kingdom, therefore I will wait humbly for that moment and I will hold on to my favourite verse in the bible; “BUT AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE WE WILL SERVE THE LORD.” Joshua 24:15
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