Who and what are “scapegoats”? Scapegoats are often the “truth-tellers” in the family. They say what cannot be said by anyone else. They are the ones who bring the skeletons out of the closet and throw them in the middle of the living-room to be confronted. They are usually godly and Christ followers
.A dysfunctional, scapegoating family, confronted with their own transgressions, will often redirect all of their energy towards targeting the “scapegoat” for their sins rather than owning their own behavior. The “scapegoat” is often chosen by a narcissistic parent. That parent chooses that son or daughter because they remind them of someone who confronted them that they cannot stand from their own life or that child reminds them of who they are not, nor ever will be.
The scapegoating is a hostile pattern by which family members move blame and responsibility away from themselves towards the scapegoated person. It is practiced by feelings of hostility, inappropriate accusations and slander towards that chosen family member and it is EVIL to the core. The “scapegoat” is wrongly persecuted, receives misplaced criticism, blame, condemnation and they are likely to suffer feeling of rejection from those whom the perpetrators are likely to influence.
It is very common for a narcissistic parent to have a “golden child”. In the eyes of the narcissistic parent, the golden child is is the best and most wonderful and can do nothing wrong, even though they have done much wrong. Their most rival achievements are held up for admiration.
Children in dysfunctional families are given these roles to play long before they are old enough to even talk. The “black sheep” is usually the one who causes all the troubles while the “scapegoat” lives righteous. The narcissistic mother will NEVER defend or protect the scapegoated child from the attacks of others.
In fact, she GROOMS the other siblings and family members to engage with her against the scapegoated child and they willingly comply. Most of the family members are narcissists just like the mother. Anything that goes wrong in their lives, just like the narcissist mother, is made to be the FAULT of the scapegoated child. She has taught the rest of the children to become “golden children” or “budding narcissists”.
She SUPPORTS the abuse of the scapegoated child by the siblings and does NOTHING to prevent the abuse but actually encourages it. Especially since she blames everything that goes wrong in the family on the scapegoated child. Once the non-scapegoated siblings realize that they are NEVER going to be blamed for anything they do, they learn that they can mention the scapegoated child’s name or actually make up some slander or lie and they are “off the hook.”
The more the scapegoat tries to defend themselves, the worst the abuse becomes. They become used to accepting the blame for all the family relationships. They can’t do anything right no matter what they do and how much they sacrifice. They are the only ones who actually care, love, have empathy and are the givers but their narcissistic family are the TAKERS.
The narcissistic mother and siblings begin a “smear campaign” to the rest of the family and anyone who they come in contact that may know the scapegoat, to destroy the scapegoats reputation and they are believed since there is power in numbers. They will tell their friends, nieces, nephews, cousins and even ministry clergy just how “evil” or “mentally ill” the scapegoat is, The scapegoated child who is now an adult, is not allowed to be angry for the abuse and they are not allowed to saying anything lest they invite more abuse through narcissistic behaviors such as gas-lighting, silent treatment, trauma, discarding, and the list goes on.
They are told they must “forgive” since they call themselves a “Christian”, so the cycle of abuse continues until the scapegoat removes themselves permanently from the family. These narcissistic families never get along with each other anyways. Once the scapegoat is gone, they will find another one to abuse. The scapegoat is usually the “righteous” godly one and the rest of the family members are the evil ones. The family members will never take any responsibility for the abuse they have heap on the scapegoated child. Those who hate the truth and love lies will naturally hate you. They will hate you just like they hated Jesus.
So, the “root cause” of the friction between you and your family members is a “spiritual problem.” Loving the truth is a guarantee that you will have enemies. Don’t believe those who tell you that if you have a “right” relationship” with God you will have a right relationship with your family. The division in your family is not your fault. They are the EVIL ones. They actually ENJOY seeing the pain in your life they cause. They label you as the “mentally ill” one or the “crazy” one. In fact, if you try to explain this to others that know your family, they have a hard time believing you because your family has portrayed a different face to them treating them with kindness and respect and you with slander, abuse, disdain and lies. Satan is behind this.
When every friend has betrayed our trust or deserted us, we normally turn to our family members for unconditional love and a safe place to fall. For the family scapegoat, just the opposite happens. The very people that we should be able to count on are actually those who betray us, mock us, make fun of us and ridicule us to our friends, and anyone who will listen.
Healthy families do not have this scenario going on. In a healthy family system, family members are able to acknowledge their problems, discuss them openly and work towards change. They take responsibility for their own behavior. They believe change is possible and help each other make that change with workable solutions. They do not back stab each other, or slander each other or gang up on one family member and scapegoat them and attempt to get other family members to to disown the scapegoated person.
The healthy family is completely opposite than the scapegoated family. They are honest with each other and do not engage in lies or act like they are in the “middle” when there are family disputes. They recognize right from wrong and good from evil. They do not keep “family secrets” from a member of the family. They have mutual love and respect for each other and they trust each other. They pray for each other and have others pray for them. They encourage each other. Siblings are able to express justified anger without fear of punishment. For a narcissistic mother to engage in abuse along with the siblings of the scapegoated child is pure EVIL. It is not to be tolerated. She, along with your siblings, make you look “crazy.”
Hitler tortured and killed 6 million Jews whether we understand why he did it or not. It’s a “choice” he made. The children of the devil are just like him. The goal is to steal, kill and destroy. Are you the family scapegoat that feels like you are killed by your family in a slow deliberate way, stealing your identity and destroying your very soul?
ANYONE, including your family, who does this to another human being is NOT of God. They are constantly attacking and slandering you. They will give an account to Him to is ready to judge the living and the dead. Until this type of family repents, you are to SHUN evil. You cannot have any relationship with any of them until they come to you with true and genuine repentance in detail for everything they have done to you. Not…”let’s just forget about it.” Please don’t fall for that. They will pull you right back into their diabolical abuse. They are true narcissists.
Genuine believers “love” one another. They are not genuine believers even if they profess Christ or go to church. By their fruit we shall know them. We are to forgive everyone from our hearts but it doesn’t mean to forgive unrepentant sinners and have a right relationship with them (Luke 17:3). The Bible doesn’t tell us to “look the other way” when someone is being abused OR to tolerate any type of evil! God HATES all types of evil and does not allow any excuse for someone to engage in it.
These are generational sins. Remember, they do not love you. That is not love. They actually ENJOY harming you and that’s why they do it. They feel NO REMORSE. Their conscience is seared. It doesn’t matter if they call themselves “Christians.” Christians do not do this. You, on the other hand would do anything for them because you are the only loving one in the family. This is what you have shown your entire life. Ask yourself why they do not do the same for you? God promises to replace the love you do not get from your parent, siblings and family with those in God’s Kingdom who will truly love you. He is a promise keeper!
“Whoever Slanders His Neighbor Secretly I Will Destroy” -Psalm 101:5
Not Peace, But A Sword
“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. Matthew 10:34-39
Patricia Jones, MA. Dove Christian Counseling
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